Oh My God Y'all!
Like, Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!
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My Favorite Mistake
Hey you guys! I’m back! Missed me?
*crickets chirping, tumbleweed rolls past*
Not that anyone reads this anymore, but I decided it’s time I get some of my thoughts down in writing because all this med school shizzle is turning my brain to slush. It’s at the point where I can’t even sleep anymore.
Everything I do these days is to keep myself distracted. I study, hit the books, listen to music, watch TV shows, go shopping, study some more… anything I can to not have to deal with ~What I Found Out~
I really hate it when people are wiser than me.
In my entire life, I’ve probably met, what, two? Three? Let’s say two, two people who I’d readily proclaim as ~worthier~ and ~deeper~ and certainly far more knowledgeable than myself, and I hate what happens to me when I’m around them - the incendiary chemistry scares me. I feel so small that I don’t want to say anything, certain that anything I say won’t be good enough, and I will always be two steps behind but at the same time I’m happy to be merely stepping on the ground they’ve stepped on.
And so there you have it, it’s the reason why I’m what my professors call a ‘good student’ - I have this superfluous need to satisfy the idea of perfection held by my teachers because it’s from there that I draw my sense of self-assurance in terms of both intellect and integrity.
Anywho, the whole point of me gibbering about this is because a few days ago I spent an afternoon with one of these two people whom I hadn’t seen in what must be a million years for rather selfish and unamiable reasons, and not having had this feeling of being extremely small for such a long time, the distant but not unfamiliar sense of being predictable and not better than the other person came back instantly, and I had no choice to not only swallow my pride but throw it out altogether.
But then this person told me something dreadful, and I lost both my speech and appetite despite the delicious root beer and salt and pepper calamari we were sharing. The speech came back, but up ‘til right now the appetite is still MIA. It took me a rather long and zigzagged talk with my inner self to make sense of how I was feeling, what I should do and how much I should allow myself to dwell on the situation. Up ‘til then, all I’d felt was the sick feeling you get in your stomach like when you’d done something bad unintentionally when you were a kid in primary school.
And that’s when I realized that this feeling of being small isn’t really, well, a feeling of being small after all, but caring so much for a person that romantic love wanes in comparison with that rare spiritual connection you have, and it’s both scary and exciting at the same time when you’re looking at and recognizing such a thing.
Its 11:15 AM now, I still haven’t eaten a goddamn thing and got something like three hours of sleep last night. So excuse my babbling, you probably don’t get it and trust me neither has anyone else, but it’s just nice to be able to articulate and make sense of your state of mind without having people throwing back irrelevant advice.
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55 things you ought to know about me…
*Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people right now (don’t tell us who they are):
1. You’re the one for me, fatty.
2. I don’t wanna, I don’t think so.
3. Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends.
4. Mirror me your memories, please.
5. If you close the door, the night could last forever.
6. Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
7. I don’t know you but I want you all the more for that.
8. I’ll be your slave, give you a shave.
9. There it goes, another one is gone.
10. The international dateline, let’s end it here.
*Nine things about yourself (very random):
1. I can finish a liter and a half of Coke in one sitting.
2. I am quite fond of refrigerators.
3. I like calling people by their email addresses.
4. I believe in “to each his own.”
5. My secret ambition is to become a stunt choreographer and/or stunt double.
6. I am not that boring.
7. I detest losing things.
8. I easily get startled.
9. I have a growing thing for piranhas.
"Thirdy". Perpetually 19. Corporeally 15. Emotionally 7. Mentally 1. I wanna go out and explore the world!
