Oh My God Y'all!
Like, Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!
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My Favorite Mistake
Hey you guys! I’m back! Missed me?
*crickets chirping, tumbleweed rolls past*
Not that anyone reads this anymore, but I decided it’s time I get some of my thoughts down in writing because all this med school shizzle is turning my brain to slush. It’s at the point where I can’t even sleep anymore.
Everything I do these days is to keep myself distracted. I study, hit the books, listen to music, watch TV shows, go shopping, study some more… anything I can to not have to deal with ~What I Found Out~
I really hate it when people are wiser than me.
In my entire life, I’ve probably met, what, two? Three? Let’s say two, two people who I’d readily proclaim as ~worthier~ and ~deeper~ and certainly far more knowledgeable than myself, and I hate what happens to me when I’m around them - the incendiary chemistry scares me. I feel so small that I don’t want to say anything, certain that anything I say won’t be good enough, and I will always be two steps behind but at the same time I’m happy to be merely stepping on the ground they’ve stepped on.
And so there you have it, it’s the reason why I’m what my professors call a ‘good student’ - I have this superfluous need to satisfy the idea of perfection held by my teachers because it’s from there that I draw my sense of self-assurance in terms of both intellect and integrity.
Anywho, the whole point of me gibbering about this is because a few days ago I spent an afternoon with one of these two people whom I hadn’t seen in what must be a million years for rather selfish and unamiable reasons, and not having had this feeling of being extremely small for such a long time, the distant but not unfamiliar sense of being predictable and not better than the other person came back instantly, and I had no choice to not only swallow my pride but throw it out altogether.
But then this person told me something dreadful, and I lost both my speech and appetite despite the delicious root beer and salt and pepper calamari we were sharing. The speech came back, but up ‘til right now the appetite is still MIA. It took me a rather long and zigzagged talk with my inner self to make sense of how I was feeling, what I should do and how much I should allow myself to dwell on the situation. Up ‘til then, all I’d felt was the sick feeling you get in your stomach like when you’d done something bad unintentionally when you were a kid in primary school.
And that’s when I realized that this feeling of being small isn’t really, well, a feeling of being small after all, but caring so much for a person that romantic love wanes in comparison with that rare spiritual connection you have, and it’s both scary and exciting at the same time when you’re looking at and recognizing such a thing.
Its 11:15 AM now, I still haven’t eaten a goddamn thing and got something like three hours of sleep last night. So excuse my babbling, you probably don’t get it and trust me neither has anyone else, but it’s just nice to be able to articulate and make sense of your state of mind without having people throwing back irrelevant advice.
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Puddles gather rain
I can’t help but feel utterly morose whenever it rains. I would deliberately position myself in a corner where I can hear it falling, where I can see the wistful dance unfold, where I can feel the breeze it alone delivers, where I can experience all of that without getting soaked. I would close my eyes, and let the inaudible music play.
I hate that I love what it does to me.
But I feel worse when it eventually stops. When real silence kicks in and everything dries up. It’s ironic how it puts me in a state of everything and nothing, at exactly the same time.
Sometimes, I think the rain feeds on people’s melancholia. That it listens to the world, like we listen to it.
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Had a nice long talk with a friend about a certain crisis I’m facing in ~life~. I care not to elaborate on it here, but what I will say is that make sure you constantly re-evaluate your priorities. The thing you should be working hard for may be the thing you are neglecting. It’s cool and all to play games, but make time to sacrifice in order to reap the benefits later. I can ill afford to let opportunities slip out from underneath me at this stage of my life.
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I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been thinking about my own mortality lately. Time proceeds to move on as the shot clock of my own existence continues to meet its demise. I didn’t have much time, actually, to reflect about the past year on my birthday. I’ve been too busy surviving and coping with my future to even think about what’s happened in the past tumultuous year.
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There comes a point when you start to think about what you’ve left behind.
Then you have to think about what you’ve gained and whether you’ve attained what you came out for. For some reason, I have a slight feeling that “it” is two steps ahead or away from me. More disgustingly, I fear the possibility that I moved two steps ahead of “it”.
What this means? I don’t really know. You take some, you lose some. You just want to come out positive.
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I pride myself on being the type of person who can alleviate another one’s stress or solve problems
I’ve done it all my life for my friends. I can make you laugh, help with homework, take care of you when you’re sick,
give you sexual favors, pick you up in emergencies, fix your flat, etc.But today, even though I’ve exhausted all my resources and done all that I could have, everything just seemed so goddamn insignificant.
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Today, I fell in love
Once a week or so during lunch break, my friends and I would spot an absolutely beautiful little girl, maybe about 8 or 9, and eating lunch out of a red zip-up lunchbox. When I say beautiful, I mean absolutely GORGEOUS, with big, pretty Bambi eyes, rosy cheeks, and short, whirly hair, and she would always be wearing a white long sleeved shirt inside a green checkered uniform and stockings. She is timeless.
We’ve always known that she’s from the support unit or something at the public school nearby. Today, I made the decision to go up to her and talk to her. I can’t remember if it was a friend or I who went up to her first, but I think I did.
I went up to her and just said hi, and asked for her name.
“Cassie!!!” she practically shouted, with a big smile and enthusiasm I would not be able to gather in a lifetime. I introduced myself and stuck out my hand to shake hers, but she wouldn’t. Her caretaker explained that she doesn’t like to touch people nor to be touched, and so I let it be.
Soon, there were about five or six of us gathered around her. We learned that she is in fact 11. Talking to her and getting her responses was just the most adorable thing I’ve seen in quite a while. She didn’t speak much, but whenever she did, she was just so enthusiastic and loud it lit all of us up.
“I like your lunch box Cassie.”
“Me too!!!!”
“What have you got in there?”
“Biscuits! And crackers! And apples!”
“Awesome! What’s your favorite?”
“APPLES!”And she only remembered my name! I and a friend took her for a walk and she was so excited about everything it was so adorable. I wanted to take her home. I think she is autistic, though. I’ll find out the next time I see her.
This whole incident left such a strong impact on me and just amazed me. A year ago, I wouldn’t even bother going up to a little kid and start talking to them. I used to absolutely DESPISE little kids and never wanted anything to do with them. And now here I am fawning over them and wanting kids for myself.
Woohoo! I’m finally growing up.
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The Smiths – I Know It’s Over
Greatest “I might as well be dead with a loveless existence stretching out before me” anthem of all time.
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[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
“You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.”
THIS SCENE. ALWAYS.
"Thirdy". Perpetually 19. Corporeally 15. Emotionally 7. Mentally 1. I wanna go out and explore the world!
